if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
