hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just high enough for therapy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
