allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she told me i tasted like america
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
