I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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