apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
