Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
