is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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