If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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