I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
