did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
