I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
