Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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