the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize