Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
