I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
