I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
