What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
