Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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