she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You can't motorboat a personality
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
