I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
