I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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