Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
