Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
