im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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