so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
