Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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