is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
