I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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