broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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