I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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