i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize