I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
