before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
