nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
