just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
