he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
