My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
