I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize