Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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