What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
