Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
