me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
