The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
