i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
