Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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