you're like a bully in the Christmas story
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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