I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
