anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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