We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
