College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
