and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
