thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
