I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
