Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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