CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
