I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
