So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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