and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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