If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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