Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
