I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
