Best friends brother. Beat that.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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