let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
