I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
