Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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