3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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